I was watching The Best Man the other night and it got me to thinking about men/dating/marriage. I'm sure you all remember the movie but what didn't stand out to me the first time (because of course I was viewing it for entertainment) but for some reason stuck out to me this time was how Morris Chestnut's character was so adamant about his fiance's chastity. He was very proud of the fact that he was "her first, her last, her only." Then I thought about a previous conversation I had with a friend of mine a couple of years ago and she was upset because her boyfriend was talking about a girl they knew who was in her 20's and still a virgin. So, he was praising the way the girl had held out and was saying how she was the optimal woman etc. Of course, my girl was heated because she's been pulling out all her sexual tricks, which he was quite pleased with, but here this Mofo was talking about how great it would be to have a girlfriend/wife who was a virgin, so what was he trying to say about her?
Is a virgin a man's first choice? But since there are probably so few do men "settle" for the woman who has had sex but not many partners or does it not matter as long as she's not a complete slut bucket?
Men say things like, "I want a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets." But then a woman's virtue is also her glory, and apparently a man's, right?
There's also a saying, "Closed legs don't get fed." -Player's Club. But do closed legs get the man, get married?
Is this the breakdown? If you've never had penis before=you're the woman that men exhalt but may not necessairly date or date but do as Morris Chestnut character did (sleep around); If you've had penis before but are no longer accepting penis=men don't understand and will be pissed that you decided to stop banging since you met them and you should try that with the next cat, questionable if they will date you but may continue in hopes to try to get you to accept the penis; Conservtively accepting penis=dateable, more than likely will continue to date, may lead to marriage depending on other qualities the woman has; Always accepting penis=will take you on a date, questionable of whether or not they will take you seriously or just as a piece of ass, possible hoe to housewife situation.
Hmmm...
9 comments:
That breakdown is hilarious, but it makes sense. I personally think that both closed and open legs CAN "get fed," but I think it's harder for open legs. First, men do not think like us. I didn't know this until recently because I wasn't raised with my father but hearing Steve Harvey say it was like a breath of fresh air. I have stopped questioning a lot of things that men say and do. Everything we are, they aren't. Whatever we think, they think the opposite. I think most men look at the women in their life at the highest level after God and their mother. If they are really feeling you, they want to see someone strong, nurturing, caring, and can possibly raise his kids. The flesh is simply weak and most people do not have the willpower to continuously say no to a man. Maybe willpower isn't the word. It's more a value system and a mindset. Eventually most women will give in after a man talks the woo-woo for 1-2 years, but for a woman to be steadfast in what she wants and believes in is very admirable and even a decision that "simple" can mean a lot to a man. My alcoholic cousin has been married 4 or 5 times and she told me a few years ago the simple rules that will lead to married--Don't sleep with him until you get a ring, don't shack, and make sure you stay looking good. As I get older I can believe these are reasons why my 65 year old cousin is NEVER without a husband (not just a man--a husband). Mae said it best, don't no man want no hoe running his house. And that's real talk.
Okay I might take this on a whole another level. Open or closed legs..is a question of what a man wants. It comes down to experience or not and how much experience "open legs" got. A man wanting a virgin..hmmm..I know a man who met a woman that was a virgin, he was "her first, her last & only" and when she got pregnant he did the "honorable thing" and married her. However, b/c he was "into sex" and she not being experienced at all, this played a big problem in their relationship where he was thinking about going out and doing his thing. We know sex is not everything, but it's the biggest something. So is it worth it to keep your legs closed? All depends. On what, the reason for the choice. My homeboy said that no man wants to KNOW that his woman has had many sexual partners. So wanting the "freak in the bedroom" depends on what level of a freak a man wants. And then, of course that level determines that she must have had a good few partners to show her what she can do! LOL. Then "freak in the bedroom" can be where a woman is willing to do somethings with HER MAN to enhance the relationship. Men want a balance: experienced but not TOO much experience. To close your legs, is a personal choice usually based on where you've been, what you want, and where you're trying to go with yourself, a man and a relationship. If it's a dude you really want something to happen with, then yeah most women will close their legs. At the same time that might backfire probably b/c what you wanted he didn't want nor was he looking for (thus, he was not worth your time anyway!). Sex don't keep a man, make a man but he will be happy. If that is all a woman wants to do in the hopes of getting him in some way, shape or fashion while compromising herself, that's a personal choice to have the legs open. For other women who have grown, ready to slow down or just based on their value in themselves will probably close their legs. Some men will find this good and a quality of worth in a woman they would want to marry where others will be like "next!" Rational men know that a woman has had sexual partners the problem is in him knowing how many. But at the end of the day "virgin" may look good on paper but is it something a man really wants? No experience whatsoever. Maybe it's admirable in his eyes, but when she's laying there and "he just doing his bidness" (in the words of Celie) this leaves open the door of a man to get bored sexually. And that's when he comes looking for the girl who has experience, might have her legs closed at the time b/c she has grown-up and wants something more for herself and her relationship(s). That's the balance and who he will probably be with seriously.
Tamara,
Girl you and this blog, lol. I'd never thought that I'd be reading let alone writing on one. Ok but this topic peaked my interest and I had to say something. I asked a male friend a few months ago the same ? about the virgin, he said he wouldn't want one because of the feelings that would follow the experience. No, this man is not gay but he is well aware of women and our emotions. He flat out said she would be to attached and that's not cool. Yes, men do want variety and a freak, hell who doesn't cuz u can get bored, and get caught up in the day to day routine and ur sex then becomes routine. What I've learned from men is that they are territorial, once they sleep w/u and its not a hit and split, they don't want another man touching you period and they can have several other women at the same time. I agree w/Pri (sorry I don't know ur full name), about something that Steve Harvey said, he told us women to stop trying to get the man to act and think like us cuz they aint like us, and once we do that then the answers will come. To be honest a womens past is just that her past, and some things are not worth repeating, and the don't ask don't tell policy works when it comes to your partners. I mean do u really want to know the number of people ur man has slept with? I'm not talking about not asking about his health etc. and if hes been with a man, I mean his actual number. Sometimes the information we get from another person we will hold judgement and at the end of the day we only have one judge to stand in front of.
I'm laughing so hard that "doing his bidness" quote from Celie in the Color Purple. But you make some very good and valid points. I think its a balance too and while virgnity is admirable, I think it carries a lot of weight that men don't expect.
I'll be curious to see if any men respond and what they say.
Tamara love the new blog project! Okay, let T. Barnes weigh in on the subject of virgins "to be or not to be". The only men that I have ever known that would prefer a virgin are those that were the worst lovers. I think somewhere in their heart they know this and they would rather have someone who would not laugh or roll there eyes during love making.
Having been married once and the "chosen" woman in almost all of my relationships, believe me, giving up the goods early in a relationship or before marriage means very little when a man decides if you are "the one" for them. I slept with my ex-husband the third time I ever saw him. He knew he wanted to marry me then and did. I slept with my current boyfriend on our second date and the next week he bought me Ralph Lauren towels with my name embroidered on them.
We all know ladies that self-respect and dignity is something that a woman exudes. You should be able to walk into a room with several of your ex-lovers and based on the respect and admiration they have for you greet each one without wondering if they all know what has happened between the other.
Please ladies do not limit your sexual desires and explorations in the hopes of catching some man with antiquated notions of male patriarchy. Your ultimate orgasm depends on it!
I hear you Tanesha on not missing out on the ultimate orgasm but what happens when you start kissing more frogs than "princes"? Or more frankly, you're getting more bad Dick then good Dick? So,now you have one more number added to the list than what was necessary. I guess, if one is just chasing the ultimate orgasm then a relationship is the last thing on their mind. But what if you're looking to settle down and get married and not just like I'm doing this cause "he's hot and I'm hot and we bout to get down with the get down." I think we've all been there but what if the ultimate "goal" is a relationship?
When you got met your first husband you weren't necessairly looking to get married, right? But you happened to run into a man who wanted to marry you. Most of us aren't that lucky.
Also, lets keep it real most women don't have your "flava"! You got a certain charisma, energy and sexiness about you that some women just don't have. People, men and women, are just drawn to you. You should teach a class on it! LOL
After reading everyone's comments, I'm realizing it's not a simple answer. My friend commented that sex was overrated and in some ways I agree. As much as I enjoy it, two things stay on my mind: 1) I'm in an age bracket where I'm more susceptible to contracting HIV than women of other races, so I'm probably TOO cautious about who I’m opening the legs to and 2) Everywhere you look sex of some fashion is in your face and in men's faces. It reminds me that there is SO much access to it and the "closed legs" approach may work for a time but seldom will men hold out for too long because they know they can always find it elsewhere. Sign of the times...
t.barnes, you really should teach a class on it because you do have a certain something that makes all people gravitate towards you. But with me this issue is so much bigger than an orgasm and monogram towels because good sex and men spending money comes along more often than not. For me it's more about finding someone who has decided that they want to be with you and only you and make it legal. I do not withold sex if I'm in a relationship, but I'm starting to think that since what I'm doing isn't working that maybe I need to try another approach.
Good topic...
I recently had this discussion with a close male friend of mine. Reality is...most men's experience with a virgin was probably a looong time ago. I don't know any men that have recently ran across any, unless they are dating real young. My male friend, in telling me about his "virgin experience", he felt like there were good and bad things with it. He was dating her at first for a month or so when he found out she was a virgin, and that turned him off and he stopped dating her b/c her viginity said to him, "I'm not having sex with you". He said for the next couple of weeks he missed her, and went back and asked for her forgiveness and told her he was ok with it. They dated for a year and a half, then she decided she wanted to. Though he was happy with the decision, he said the whole ordeal was horrible for months...just even trying to complete the act...And even when they were able to, he didn't enjoy it much, and he messed around on her. He said he wouldn't want a virgin again, but the thing that he loved about being with one was that their relationship didn't have alot of the stressors that sometimes comes with sex. Because she hadn't had sex, he didn't have to worry about stds, he didn't have to worry about ex partners/boyfriends being around, etc. That was all lifted, so he said that was what made being with her so great. His eyes light up when he talks about her...
But they light up when he talks about me too, and y'all know I'm far from virginal...lol...
Post a Comment