I've always said that I would live with my man prior to getting married to "test the waters" and make sure everything was okay. But lately I've seen more and more statistical data that says this may not be a wise idea.
Stats such as "Couples who live together not only are significantly more likely to divorce after marriage, but about 45 percent of them will break up before marriage, studies show." And remarks like "Men and woman cohabitate for different reasons. Women see it as a step toward marriage. They think they can audition for this job. Men do it because they like to have the ready availability of sex and having someone share their living expenses."
So what do you guys think? In looking at the stats, is it wise to Live Together Before Marriage?
10 comments:
The majority of my friends have lived w/a significant other other, I'm in the minority on this. I have never lived with my mate and I don't think I would before marriage. I used to think I would but my views have changed. One agreeing with the statistics, I think the rationale behind moving is different for men vs. women. Not to say that some couples aren't on the same page but I do agree that most men see it as convienant or a way to keep the woman from nagging about more commitment, i.e. if I move in then I can get her off this marriage question for a while. And I believe most women fall into this trap.
I also remember something someone told me at a wedding once, she was talking about how she lived w/her husband before marriage and how when they got married they still acted as if they were boyfriend/girlfriend not husband and wife which almost ended their marriage. She pointed out that marriage is a mindset and a choice and your roles become different and that people tend to think that just b/c your living together that is enough to sustain the marriage b/c we were doing this before the marriage. But think about it if the couples reasoning for moving in together weren't in harmony in the first place how can the marriage be in harmony?
I don't believe that marriage can be tried out by living together. Marriage is not supposed to be on a trial basis, its not a position that you can show your skill for, you have to be in a marriage and nurture it for it work and to me no amount of living together before hand sets you up for that, the dynamics and whats at stake in a marriage are totally different.
That's just my opinion.
Oooh, good topic. Me and my man have talked about this a few times. I've never done it and he did it for many years with his children's mother (same woman), but I just don't see it happening with me. I personally don't understand the point of it. It takes the relationship to another level that both parties really aren't ready for in my opinion. I have heard it many times that "nothing changed after we got married" and I see why. Why would either party change if they have been living as a married couple anyway?
Oh and they also say that the longer a couple lives together, it becomes less and less likely they will ever marry.
This is a VERY good topic. I'm not going to let statistics tell me where to take my relationship. I firmly believe its "different strokes for different folks".
With that being said, I think it all depends on what you want out of your relationship. Some people aren't looking for marriage, and that's all good. Some are. But like Mae said, SOME men do look at it as a way to keep a woman's mouth shut. For men like that, believe me, he was stalling way before that, most women just miss the signs.
I really think couples just need to reevaluate their reasonings for living together. Don't do it to see "if we can live together before we get married" b/c a long term relationship that has a goal of moving towards marriage shouldn't be based on just how well you live together.
Okay, I'm sure everyone is waiting for my response. Since I live with my man and this is my second time 'round with it. I’m not married so I can’t tell you if it helped or hindered the marriage. I can’t tell you I don’t regret it. I think it helps to make sure you know the real person and you can make sure you can be your real person self with them. I do at times miss my secret single behaviors, but he’s not ALWAYS home.
Well I can't really say what is right for one is right for all or what is wrong for one is wrong for all. What I can say is that if you do choose to live together and you know you want to get married make sure he also wants to get married. If your not ready to discuss that topic and you know that is what you want, don't do it. If a man can't tell you he wants to give you all you want before you live together, he prolly never will.
Relationships and living together is anything but easy... as we all know!! My current situation came down to what made the most sense. Sometimes I think I'm half male, but it made no sense for him to always be at my house and pay bills somewhere he hardly ever stayed at. I do like help with the bills and I love having help around the house, but if that is all you want then get a roommate!
We both knew/know we want to be together, we both want kids (neither have any) and we both want marriage. We discussed and talked a lot, luckily for us we were really friends before this turned into anything. We truly got to know each other w/out the boyfriend/girlfriend titles, so I don't believe much was masked. We agreed with and have the same views when it comes to relationships, marriage and kids.
I did tell him that I swore I would never do the live-in thing again without a ring and he swore and promised he would not live with me as my boyfriend forever. I love him and knew he wasn't in for games; he always pulls his own weight and some of mine! We had already discussed the bull from previous relationships and both agreed that we knew we were meant to be. However, I do not have a ring... or a date....
With all that being said, you all are putting me OUT there right now on this one...but I guess, I deserve it! lol I have to admit I know time is ticking!! Not just my biological clock, but my mental one as well. When you move-in with the idea that you'll eventually get married it's kinda hard to NOT think about it after awhile.
I don't feel I am auditioning for wifey, I do me and what is natural. Which is sometimes scarry because things come natural, I like to eat at home so I do cook dinner often but mostly because I'm cheap and try to eat healthy, not because I think I have to cook him dinner. He also cooks and cleans, we have that balance that seems to work for us.
We both are our same person, together and apart, that is very important to me. Trust and honestly is also very important. We both have single friends that we enjoy hanging out with, sometimes together; sometimes apart. We also have plenty of couple friends to hang out with. I think it is healthy to not loose who you are or to put your s/o before your friends. I believe we will get married and he will be there forever for me, but I KNOW my friends will be there forever for me… so whatever you do, stay true to yourself and be yourself!
Andi....you put it together perfectly! I too have lived w/two men (one normal and sane, the a complete opposite)and I learned alot from both situations.
Your situation works for YOU and YOU are happy...that's what matters most. I can't and won't pass judgement b/c you are happy. That's all that matters. And most importantly, you both know what you want and you talk about it consistently. Alot of people don't do that and that's how they get stuck.
Okay, can I play devil's advocate w/out being the bad guy? I know you have a good thing going with your man Andi, and he really is a nice guy but isn't the term "not forever" kind of infinite b/c is "not forever" 2 years, 5 years, 10 years...and ya'll have been living together going on 2 years right? So its starting to cross the what's next mark. And not to say its not coming cause I feel like you to will get married but just playing devils advocate when does it go from the talking to the action part of it and him actually getting you that ring?
Mae, I understand where you are coming from with that. The wedding I recently went to, the couple lived together first, but only after getting engaged, with the wedding date set and plans in order. And I think that might be the only way I would venture there again (with a ring and date set), even though there is still no guarantee with that, but like Mae said, it would of gone from talk to action. But I totally understand...it is so tempting. I could save $400+ a month by splitting some bills. Which is $ that could pay off our debt or go towards the wedding. All in all, I'll make sure I assess my situation first and make sure I'm making a good, sound decision. I refuse to be a roommate forever! :-)
I don't mind you playin devil's advocate at all, Mae!... that is what real friends are for, to make sure we stay in reality!! So I appreciate it. And yes, 'forever' it is starting to feel like. I don't want to necessarily break-up if the ring doesn't come in 'x' amount of time (he knows about our blog so i can't give all the info)...but I think if it doesn't happen sooner than later, we will discuss going back to separate living quarters. Not that I don't want to be with him, but it will be going on a year and a half of living together and no ring is on my finger. I'm not waiting 5+ years for anything or nothing, not at this age and rate! Not happenin! The last time we talked about it, he told me to set a date... well to me that would be pushing him and that is the last thing I want to do, make someone feel they HAVE to marry me. I don't like to think that I have to wait for him to be ready, so maybe when I KNOW I am ready I will have to put it all out there. So stay tuned, the 2 year anni of us 'officially' dating is coming up...
Dang, it's been two years??? That time has flew.....
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