I recently took a class where I had a mid 30s black female professor that had graduated from Spelman, and had a Phd from Harvard. Anyways, during the class she raved about her pets which she considered her children, & she also piled on the homework for us. One of my fellow classmates remarked that "She needs to get her a man & some babies" b/c she obviously had nothing else to do w/ her life besides grade homework.
Which leads me to this...do you think that successful black women are throwing themselves into their careers b/c they aren't married & have families? Are we being too picky when it comes to men? Why is there this black girl curse???
Watch this great clip and tell me what you think:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bJGMAhWpDF8
5 comments:
Oh this is an ongoing argument. Personally, I believe that we, black women, want to be married with babies. But at the same time, we can't wait on him to show up to "make" our lives "complete."
I think black women turn their focus and attention to their careers. That flourishes because we are watering it on a daily basis. I think it is the same time, attention and focus we would give to a relationship if a viable opportunity presented itself.
I do think that educated, professional black women can be too picky. Sometimes we pass up good men because they aren't lettered up--no MD, JD, PHD, MSW--or whatever behind their name.
Now, I for one, do not want to date someone that is ignorant. Ignorant meaning uncultured, unwilling to learn and experience life.
Like one of my homeboys told me, black women need to leave their resumes at home. Most men don't care what you are doing as long as you are happy doing it. Educated women in general don't tend to date down, men date down on the economic and education scale all the time.
As far as a black girl curse, I don't know. I think we need to expand our minds, our options and ourselves in general.
If you just want to be about your career then do that but if you want a family then you may want to reasses and do somethings differently.
That's so funny...I was just having a very similar conversation with some Sorors about how black woman tend to open up their "options" when they are older...meaning they are open to dating men they would have never considered when they were younger (and probably had more options). I have no problem dating a blue collar man...shoot, I know quite a few tha have their sh*t together more than a man with a couple of letters after his name or a corporate job. These same men have homes, good credit, decent cars, travel,etc. All the things we think we will miss out on if we date "beneath us" when half us barely have our own sh*t together.
I do agree that we must nuruture our relationships the same way we nuture our careers. But its all about personal preference. Alot of women at my job are having babies in their late 30s b/c they chose to focus on their career...maybe that will make it easier on them financially when its time to start a family. Who knows. I think its all based on the choice that we make - sacrifice starting a family early for a career or vice versa.
One thing I will say is that alot of black woman need to is b/c of their accomplishments, make men feel as if they do not need them for anything. Men need to feel like we will let them be a man (although there are some that don't even know what a man is but that's a whole other topic). If a man doesn't feel "needed/wanted", he will find someone else. Hence the comment "leave your resume at home".
I've seen single women that make themselves readily available for a relationship--working only 40 hours, going out to places where she thinks she will meet men, and just enjoying life--and a man doesn't decide to make her his significant other. We fall into the career trap often because We do not have much of a choice. Oftentimes we wait and wait and wait for a man to enter our lives and that never happens. The only thing that is certain is our careers and the destiny we try to create. We cannot make a man marry us no matter how available we make ourselves. But the crazy thing about this whole thing is that society never says this about a man. He can work 2-3 jobs, go to school full-time and spend all his time in church (I did date a guy like this) and he was simply trying to better himself. Or like I've heard "He'll slow down once he meets a good woman," but no one knocks him for it.
I agree with all of you...all good statements & comments. I have heard from men about the "leave your resume at home". It's true & coupled w/ Pri's statement of many women wait & wait & wait & the man "never shows up", this is what I've heard...
A lot of women that have successful careers/lives think that is the sole reason why a man should date them. They brag about what they have, what they've done, etc., but that's not what's going to "snag" him. Usually the guys who are "mesmorized by the woman's list" are men who don't have it themselves (like drug dealers for example)who need a woman like that to "use" for her credit, home, car, etc. A man that has it on his own, doesn't need this stuff from his woman, so he could care less about whether or not she has it. What a good man truly wants and needs from a woman is not financial.
Which brings me to the second thing I've heard...a man is going to choose the woman he wants to be with based off how she makes him feel. It doesn't matter what she has, how she looks, where she works, etc. A man wants to be supported, loved, feel safe, etc. & quite honestly, I can tell you that many of the blk women I know in "high places", are not nice & if I were a guy, I wouldn't date them either. Noses turned up, sh*tty attitudes, bragging about what they won't do, are very cold acting, love to argue...yet they wonder why they are still single. No man wants that, or at least he's not gonna marry that. He may bang it or date it, but not marry.
A guy told me we as women see a great guy & his chick & make comments like "Why's he with her" whether it be b/c she's plain or ugly looking, works at Walmart, no degrees, etc...and he said as long as we ask that question, means we don't get it.
Now I'm not saying change yourself & be all sweet or hide your personality, but I am saying we do need to look at what we are doing. I'll refer back to "The Homework" where it asks what you have done to be a part of "the problem". One of the things that I've changed about me in my old age...lol...is that I'm not as mean or snappy as I used to be. I bite my tongue a lot more. And I know y'all will chime in that "I'm not biting my tongue", but really some of the things we say to friends, fam, our man, etc...was it really worth it? What did it accomplish? Did it help or hurt your situation? Will you care about this issue next week? Sometimes winning an argument means you both lose...
So, all this to say...its saddening the stats of the married blk fam...& we beautiful, successful blk women always want to point the finger & place blame, but like TCS said...if that's what you want, maybe you need to reassess your life & what you're willing to do to get it.
Doing the same thing over & over & expecting different results is called...????
DISCLAIMER: I am not married or perfect. I am still a work in progress & can only offer the insight I've learned.
You know, ladies, I was just thinking about this today. I work with a handful of Black men and women that work pretty long hours occassionally. The weird thing is all of the men are either married (two just married in September) or in long-term relationships, while non of us women are. It is almost unfair that we as women are being punished for working. I mean, what am I supposed to do? Starve?
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