Ok....I'm curious to ask this b/c I know yall will give it to me REAL.
How long would you be willing to "wait" for a man? For example...say the man that you want to be with is in school. He works full time and goes to school full time. He states that right now, a relationship isn't something he can give his full attention to b/c he doesn't want to have to choose between school and his woman. He wants to make himself better...get his sh*t together so that he can bring something to the table. He doesn't want to hold you back for 2-3 years but he wants to be honest.
I know, for me, I don't have years to waste but at the same time, why do I always put stuff on a time table? If someone is saying that in a few short years you could have just about everything you want - husband, children, home, financial stability, etc...would you wait for that?
8 comments:
"It doesn't take a whole day to recognize sunshine."--Common "The Light"
Have you ever been in a relationship that just feels right? While it is not without it's faults, it is enjoyable and it isn't stressful. You know early on that this relationship is right, you know this person is someone you want around for a while, and at 30 I'm sure I would know I want that man to be my Husband. Well that's the same with men. A man that wants you--and I mean really wants you--will not leave you out there hanging. A man that wants you will make you feel secure. Waiting does not make me feel secure.
From reading, it looks like you are waiting for the whole kit and caboodle but I need more clarity. What level of a committment are you wiling to wait for? Marriage. Shacking. Baby Daddy. Sex partner. I think it all depends on what you want from the relationship. Personally, I know what I want in a relationship and I know that the man that will give me what I want has already been chosen and will not make me wait for him to get his life in order. I am part of the order and a part of his life. But again, this all depends on what you are waiting for. While his feelings are not up for discussion and I do understand his rationale to a degree, you will also need to understand that you are taking a risk as well. Let's say in 2-3 years he finishes school and you have been keeping in touch and hanging, but without a major committment over this time. He may now be ready to be in a relationship, but please understand, he may not necesarily want to be in a relationship with you. Women don't see that part of the equation when they start "waiting" on a man.
That's what's holding me back...what if, after waiting, he chooses to explore a relationship with someone else. I just wanted to hear someone share that same rationale b/c that's where my head is that. Although, there's never a guarantee, even when you're boyfriend/girlfriend, at least there's some type of committment. And to be honest, this may be selfish, but I'm really not feeling getting into a relationship with anyone who doesn't have their shit together. But I guess that's unfair b/c I still have alot of my own shit to work on, as well.
I hate this...I really do b/c relationships always seem like they are such a risk. Why does it have to be that way? So you're right, I'm not feeling secure. So, now comes the hard part...when do I cut him off and I have to stick to it.
Well, considering I have gave every long-term relationship I was ever in at leat 4 or more years (lol), I am pretty much done spending years on men who are confused or unsure on what they want in life. Hell, if I give any body else this time I am going to look up and be 40. Were all older and very much mature. It's doesn't take years to no wheter or not someone is going to be the "one". Yea, If i were still young, I probably would wait, but considering I'm getting older and time is not stopping. I do not have the time anymore. Tommorrow is not promised for no one and why waste it on a prayer. Enjoy life, live, love, and party like a ROCK STAR!!!!!
Um, people make time to do the things they want to do.
If he really wants to be with you, he would make the time--NOW, not later. While I applaud him for wanting to get through school etc. He could look at you as a compliment to what he's doing not a hinderance. You've already been where he's been and can understand the level he's trying to get at, why should being in a relationship be cumbersome to him? Bottomline is this, there is always going to be a reason why something may not be a good idea but it sounds like to me he wants some of the benefits of a relationship w/out the actual relationship. At this stage in the game, its about how much time you're willing to invest in the situation. At 30, I'm giving a man at the max 2 years to figure out what he wants to do. If we on the same page then cool but if we're not then that's cool too but my ass is floatin on!
I also have to agree w/Pri that when he does get ready to have a relationship he may not choose you.
I'm not saying don't wait, go with whats in your heart but er um proceed with your eyes wide open. And really know what the waiting entails and ask yourself are you truly going to be happy w/that.
Wow, Tray! I think we have had this conversation before? Maybe not, but I think you know the answer to that question... at this age, we all know that we each have our own thresh-hold, we know what we can tolerate and what we can't. At least we should. Once you get to where you don't feel secure enough and it is pushing on your tolerance level... you will find the strength to leave and eventually be done.
And I have to agree with our counterparts... Keera is right, life is too short and who has all that time to wait? And Mae and Pri both have a point... when it is right and the potential of being "the one" I think you know and he knows it and it is not something that neither one of you want to set aside or wait to get better. You want to grow and get better together. You all know that I never felt this way before, I always thought you HAD to put in ALOT of time and effort and then determine if he is 'the one' if he has the potential or not. Now, after finding a great man... someone I love and knows love me and knowing and feeling, only after a year, that he is 'the one'... I beleive in the sh*t 'that you will just know.' Altho most men feel they have to be accomplished to be the man and take care of business, a strong confident woman can only compliment that... as Mae pointed out.
So, inconclusion let's go with you will know when you have to leave and close that chapter in your life. Or you will know, actually it has to be mutual, that the man has the goods to keep you and is making as much effort as you!
This is a toughy. B/C reality is, we all are basically "waiting" while in a non-marriage relationship. We are waiting to see if he's the one, waiting to see if things will work out, waiting to see if he'll pop the question...wait, wait, wait. The problem with what you described is that during his "get his self together time" he's leaving things cloudy. Getting yourself together has never meant that you couldn't be in a relationship. It may mean you aren't ready for marriage, but doesn't mean you can't maintain a relationship. Women do it all the time. Work, take care of home, go to school, etc....and all the while, if we had a good man trying to be with us, would we turn him down until we are exactly where we want to be in life? NO! I may be busy, but I'll always have time to embrace a good, down azz man that wants to be with me. Making him wait may mean letting him go. Men know what they want. From what I've seen, "waiting til he got his stuff together" really just meant, he's "waiting" to decide whether or not he really wants to be with you.
I'm with you Jay. I personally think it's just an excuse. I've only had one man in my entire life flat out say he didn't want to be with me--and it was like pulling teeth to get that out of him. That was after he went through the motions of a relationship. It wasn't until I stated some issues within the relationship that he thought it was safe to say he couldn't do it. From personal experience, men can't just tell anyone no. Whether it be their boys, parents, woman or their job, they will not say it. You have to pretty much set up the scenario for them where they have an out. So I just see "get myself together" as an excuse as well. Jay, I'm with you. I have a lot of stuff with me I need to get in order, but do you think I will turn down a good man if he came today--HELL NO. I'll work him into the equation. I don't know. I'm 30 years old, I don't have children, and as Jay says, I'm already waiting. What I don't need is for a man to tell me I have to wait another 3-4 years for HIM to decide that I am the 80 that I already know I am. It's just not happenening with me.
Post a Comment